Back by popular demand! I hope everyone is OK, sending out lots of love from me and from Becky….xxx
Becky’s Lockdown Diary Part 2: Shopdown
8 am OK. Don’t panic. Another day of lockdown. No problem. Bring it on!
8.15 am Luke says, ‘Are you OK?’ and I say bravely ‘Of course I am!’ Then a moment later I whimper, ‘No! I’m not! I’m so rubbish at this!’
8.20 am Luke tells me yet again it wasn’t my fault that the supermarket ran out of Easter eggs. And that the chocolate delivery company made a ‘substitution’ to my Easter egg order. And that I didn’t check it in time.
9 am Anyway. It’s all fine. Time for half an hour of exercise with Joe Wicks. No-one can feel down when they’re watching Joe Wicks!
9.10 am Suze texts: ‘Bex! Only just got your message! Of course I have spare Easter eggs, but too late now? What happened?’
9.15 am Text Suze: ‘Oh all fine, no worries!!’
9.30 am I’m not admitting I didn’t realise until too late that instead of ‘Kitkat’ and ‘Malteser’ eggs, the chocolate company sent two ‘Adult’ eggs with erotic pictures piped in white chocolate icing. (I mean, they looked fine once I’d hastily scraped them a bit. I told Minnie it was a drawing of an Easter chick.)
10 am I’m secretly in love with Joe Wicks. The way he bravely exercises with a broken arm and shouts out to all the children and does ‘spot the difference’ in the background of his exercise videos. It’s genius!
10.30 am Change from exercise outfit into gorgeous flowing leopard-print skirt and clashing tiger-print cardigan. Even though it’s lockdown and there’s no-one to see, I can still be stylish. Exactly. (Might text a photo of my outfit to Suze later).
11 am Ooh! Have a great idea and hurry into Luke’s office to tell him. Suggest he could do ‘spot the difference’ in his Teams meetings. He could add a vase or a book and everyone has to spot it! Luke says, ‘Maybe’ in a discouraging voice. Feel he isn’t entering into the SPIRIT of lockdown. Then he looks up, sees my outfit and adds, ‘Oh hi, Carole Baskin.’
11.30 am I do NOT look like Carole Baskin!! (I’ve changed my cardigan though.)
12 noon Gail from school WhatsApps: ‘Everyone’s going to record a line of “I wandered lonely as a cloud” and they’ll all join together to make one big poem!’
12.10 pm You see? That’s the spirit of lockdown. Collaboration. Connecting. Being purposeful. One big lockdown family.
12.20 pm As I’m trying to work out how to record a line of poetry on my phone, Mary from Pilates texts: ‘Everyone’s got to take a picture of their knees and send it in to make a Lockdown Knee Collage!’
12.30 pm Take a photo of my knees.
12.31 pm No. I’m not sending that photo anywhere.
2.00 pm Minnie says, ‘What can I do now?’ and I say ‘Colour in,’ automatically.
2.15 pm Oh God. Minnie’s coloured in all the colouring-in books. Even the freebie from the petrol station.
2.20 pm What do I do now? What?? This is a genuine emergency.
2.25 pm Colouring-in books are definitely an essential, I don’t care what anyone says.
2.30 pm Mum calls me on zoom: ‘Becky, love! Be careful! I just heard from Sheila across the road that you’re not allowed to look out of the window! If you do, a police drone comes and buzzes in your face!’
2.40 pm That can’t be true.
2.41 pm Shall I just Google it?
2.45 pm Googling ‘police drone window’ when I get a WhatsApp from Janice: ‘I’ve just read that you can cure the virus with maple syrup!’ What??? Noooo.
3 pm Composing reply to Janice when Jess sends a text. It’s a recipe for ‘Vegetable stew’ using carrot peelings, potato peelings and ‘old lettuce’.
3.05 pm Send her back a ‘Yummy!’ emoji.
3.10 pm Note to self: NEVER zoom with Jess in the kitchen where she may see fishfinger packets/emergency chocolate/bottle of Baileys.
3.30 pm Put on TV for Minnie and log onto children’s stationery supplies website. It’s like wandering through a sad, empty desert with only the odd poignant flower, valiantly blooming. ‘Out of stock’. ‘Out of stock’. ‘Out of stock’. The only thing in stock is glitter.
4 pm Order a bumper pack of glitter. I’ll just have to hide it from Jess.
4.15 pm Pop onto Net a Porter, because it would be rude not to while I’m here. But the ‘distribution center is temporarily closed’.
5 pm Is there ANYWHERE still left to shop?
5.30 pm Ooh! I found a hair accessories site! Hair accessories are definitely essentials, because how are we all supposed to look after our hair without any hairdressers? Exactly. A beaded hairband is both essential and on-trend.
5.35 pm Oh. Delivery expected in three months’ time.
5.40 pm Luke comes by and I say plaintively, ‘Luke, when do you think shopdown will end?’ He just looks at me and says, ‘“Shopdown” or “Lockdown”?’ Oops. That’s what I meant.
6 pm WhatsApp from Suze: ‘Bex! I’m in the most brilliant Lockdown Crochet Challenge, you just have to crochet a London landmark, do you want to join in?’
6.10 pm Crochet a London landmark??
6.30 pm No. I don’t want to do that. I want a glass of Baileys and some Easter egg. And I’ve changed my mind about being ‘connected’ and ‘purposeful’. Sod that. Can’t my Lockdown Challenge be just: getting through Lockdown?